The Zen Kitchen

What the hell is going on with me?

The roller coaster is going a little off kilter. Oh, the ride continues to be fun, but when I take in my surroundings, I do worry a little that it has the chance of falling off the tracks. I think the thing that I find the most interesting about this situation, though, is that the part of me that wants to stop the ride is being shunted to the rear and that part that's just telling me to enjoy the ride while it lasts and worry about the consequences later is the one that's taking charge.

Since Sunday, I have pissed off a friend of mine to the point that he walked out on me at the bar, pissed off the girl I've mentioned cryptically in previous posts, and very nearly had an affair with a married woman that was stopped at the last minute only by an attack of conscience on both our parts. While all of this was exciting, the thing that's the most odd to me is the fact that I think all of these things are great. I'm loving it. I'm loving the ride.

I stood up to a guy who thinks of himself as the all-knowing "alpha dog" and told him "I know you're trying to give good advice, but from what I know of your history why the hell should I listen to you?"

I got an emotional response out of a woman who has been anything but emotional with me lately. It wasn't the best of responses, I'll grant, but I know damn well she's thinking of me now.

And, I got to make out with a gorgeous woman that any guy would go for in a second, be told by her that I was "the sexiest thing she'd ever seen," and was told that she couldn't go back to my place with me because she "wouldn't be able to control herself and she loves her husband" (that's the PG version) and then she still tried to make excuses why it would be okay to come back to my place with me. How great of an ego boost is that?

So, let's sum up. I lost (at least temporarily) a friend due to pushing all the wrong buttons, made the woman I'm most interested in upset to the point where she left without telling me goodbye (and making a point of it by telling everyone else goodbye while I was standing next to her), and very nearly compromised morals I once upon a time vowed I would never compromise - and I'm loving every minute of it.

I guess the self confidence I've been working on is finally kicking into full gear. My friend will eventually forgive me, though it may take months. The girl will get over it, and now she'll be thinking about me and she knows where I stand. And my moral slip is nothing more than an ego boost. Hell, I got her number and I know where she works, so I have a chance to get another one if things start slipping.

But, I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't scared of it just a little bit. The part that's enjoying the ride is in control, but the one that's saying I should get off is still there. Have I created a monster? While this new me is definitely getting results, is it at the expense of the things that made people like the old me?

Shaun

"Cal: You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game."

posted by Shaun @ 2:27 AM